The Confessional

There have been times in my life that I've been exposed to more information about individuals that I felt I should have been or wanted to be. I grieved when it wasn't my grief and judged when I didn't have any right to judge. That being said, I am now warning you that this will be very personal information about me and if you feel so inclined not to be burdened with my admissions, leave now ... or forever hold your peace. : )

This past weekend was orchestrated just for me. I was in a situation Saturday morning to have an unexpected counselling session that although I didn't necessarily agree with everything said (when have I ever totally agreed with anyone????), it did indeed prick my mind and heart.

Then Saturday afternoon, I was confronted with another situation that again pricked my mind and heart.

That evening, Scott and I had a very open conversation about some of my feelings that I had been covering for too long.

Then a bomb was laid in my lap Sunday morning during our Special Conference. My mind and heart that had felt the prickling of the past 24 hours finally burst and the words spoken by a general authority were spoken to enter into my heart and heal and institute change within myself.

I've been welling up all weekend and continue to well today. (What a sap! ) : )

Several truths have been finally exposed to my reluctant brain. I am not the wife I imagine I am. I am not the mother I view myself as. I am not the daughter or sister or friend that I've imagined I was for so long. I have had such a huge understanding (obviously not a perfect, but definitely a very strong understanding) of the Saviors love for me and have never doubted that one day I would be back with Him and my Heavenly Father that I got caught up in the "Big Picture" and ignored the steps to live a path that the Lord would be most pleased with.

I'm getting bogged down with trying to walk on egg shells so I'm going to stop and just say what I'm trying to say.

I've been blessed with a deep knowledge of many things spiritual. I feel that a good portion of that is a gift from God specifically for me because of the many trials He knew I would go through in this life and the rest was taught to me through my parents. I find the spiritual side in nearly everything I see, do and read. That's just how my brain works and regardless of the intent of the person or things that are happening and the expectation they have, it all boils down to spiritual knowledge to me. I am grateful for this quirk of my brain and honestly feel bad for those that don't view life the same way as I do. I can't tell you how many times people have said, "Really? I didn't see that at all!" when talking about a truth I gleaned from some random thing.

Anyway,I'm also extremely stubborn. I decide on a plan and follow through because I've already decided it's the best course of action. I generally don't bother asking Heavenly Father if this is His will because it makes sense to me. (I said I was stubborn, not smart! Don't be judging me just yet! : ))I've been content with my lot and the rough road that I've been traveling because that's just what this life is about, right? WRONG!

After this past weekend, and then beginning to read Dave Ramsey's book "The Total Money Makeover" last night (Sorry Janie it's taken me so long to get to it, but now I'm devouring it!)I see that I've been bringing a good portion of the "rough road" on myself. This is not God's plan. Yes, we are here to learn and grow, but He doesn't wish to cause us the ultimate pain for the ultimate gain. If we can learn with little pain, all the better and it's up to us to make the decision which way we are going to learn ourselves.

We've been living with debt for so long, and although the debt is less than some, it is definitely more than other's and in my mind, excruciatingly crippling. I didn't think there was a way out of it and it was just part of our life. A trial we were meant to go through. I have been SO WRONG!

I'm angry with the collective body of the population for not teaching me otherwise and even more angry with myself for not working at figuring out that this was a huge lie that I could disprove and live a life so much better than I ever imagined possible in this existence. So much time has been wasted!

Just this past month I was speaking with some church friends (people who are not saddled with my same money issues at this time) and said that I was OK being poor. What an idiot I have been. When is it ever right to be OK with mediocrity?!?!? That is by far the most gleeful moment Satan has had with me in ages and I didn't even realize it. How sneaky and insidious; that old serpent had entered my soul. How grateful I am to finally see his downward pulling fingers!

When the church has counselled that we be out of debt, I always thought that was a dream that could only come through some dead rich relative, a stroke of extreme dumb luck or some lottery jackpot (which we don't play). I couldn't see how we could do that on our own. I have been left without the knowledge of how to help myself as so many other people find themselves. But there is a way. A Christ-like way that is available to everyone regardless of their race or creed, financial situation or religious background.

I CAN NOT ADEQUATELY EXPRESS HOW MUCH THIS NEW KNOWLEDGE IS CHANGING ME IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS!!! When it comes to money matters, PLEASE, please, please, check out this man's work. DAVE RAMSEY - He's not of my religion but truth is truth, no matter where it comes from.

As far as the other truths brought to me this weekend, I have the knowledge and the change is being worked out. I will become the wife I dream of being and the mother my children deserve. I will live to my full potential for my earthly family and friends and for my heavenly family. I have a clearer picture now and that knowledge is power.

I will never be able to thank the Savior enough for the healing power of the atonement. For the ability He has provided for me to forgive when I couldn't imagine being able to forgive. For the forgiveness He offers me when I couldn't imagine being forgiven.

This has been a weekend of intense pain and growth and joy but a weekend I wouldn't want to have missed!